Project Heal Day 15

Day 15

Day 15's assignment is Wave of Light. For Abbie, and all the angel babies everywhere.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be.

Project Heal Day 14

Day 14

Day 14's assignment is community. Yesterday was the remembrance walk at OU Children's Hospital, where I had Abbie. I had planned on taking pictures there for today's assignment. I don't know whether they had the walk or not. It was storming like crazy yesterday morning, so we didn't go, so, sorry, but no picture for today.

Project Heal Day 13

Day 13

Day 13's assignment is signs. I'm not really a big believer in signs, but I do think of Abbie when I see pink and brown and butterflies. Pink and brown was the color scheme we connected with our baby girl. It's a color combination that I've always loved. My bedroom is pink and brown stripes, it was painted way before I met James. It's hard to look at now, but we haven't had an opportunity to repaint it.

Project Heal Day 12

Day 12

Day 12's assignment is a scent. I had a hard time with this one. The scent I finally decided on is peanut butter crackers. Peanut butter crackers is the only thing I ate while I was pregnant with Abbie that I never threw up.

Project Heal Day 11

Day 11

Day 11's assignment is supportive friends. I have a very special friend. Her name is Delta. I've known her since before she went to nursing school, and she is a nurse on the Mom/Baby unit where I had my children. When I had Abbie, she was working overnights, and would just come and sit with me and cry with me when she wasn't busy. She'll never know how important it was to me for her to be there. When my world was falling apart, I had someone familiar to cling to. She is the only person in my life other than James and my mother who saw Abbie after she passed. Abbie passed right at shift change, and Delta came to me. Delta, I love  you so much. You are my rock, and I hope some day I can be there for you the way you were there for me.

Project Heal Day 10

Day 10

Day 10's assignment is a symbol. This is a drawing my Aunt Leona sent me after we lost Abbie. It is so beautiful, pure and perfect.

Project Heal Day 9

Day 9

Day 9's assignment is a special place. I don't particularly have a special place related to Abbie. Today my picture is of what we call the "Abbie Tree." It's a tree we planted in our front yard when I was pregnant with Abbie.

Project Heal Day 8

Day 8

Day 8's assignment is jewelry. The stone is sapphire, Abbie's birthstone. James gave me this ring my first birthday after Abbie was born.

Project Heal Day 7

Day 7

Day 7's assignment is what to say. After a lesson in what not to say, it's only fair to give a lesson in the right things to say.



It is okay to say you're sorry.

It is okay to ask to see a picture, and to tell me she was beautiful, because she was.

Most of all, it is okay to say her name. She was real. She was here for 4 days. She was a person. She had such a huge impact on my life, and I am constantly thinking about her. It is a disservice to her to not say her name.

She was real, and she was mine.

Project Heal Day 6

Day 6

Day 6's assignment is what not to say. Many people don't know what to say to someone who has lost a child. In not knowing what to say, some people say nothing, some people say some of the most hurtful horrible things that could ever come out of a person's mouth.

Honest responses to these statements, from a mother who has suffered a loss:

Everything happens for a reason. - There will NEVER be a logical reason EVER for me as to why my child was taken from me.

You have to move on. - How? How do you move forward when the future you had planned was shattered?

This is all part of God's plan. - Really? Those are the words you want to go with? You mean to tell me that God gave me my child just to rip her from my life? That God knew when he gave her to me that this was going to happen, and because he did, I should be okay with it? Nope, sorry. That's not how it works.

I know how you feel. - Even another mother who has suffered a loss doesn't know how I feel about it, so a person who hasn't suffered a loss should definitely never make that statement.

I can't imagine, oh my God, I'd die! - No, you wouldn't. You don't get to. You have to stay here and live life every day knowing that your child died, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it. You don't just spontaneously die just because your baby did.

You are so strong. - Yeah, so what? I'm not strong because I want to be. I didn't have a choice in the matter.

Focus on the child you do have. - Focusing on the child I do have, having a new baby, do not take away the pain of losing one. That pain doesn't just magically disappear. It is still there, it is still the same, sometimes worse, seeing this other child living, wondering how it would have been for your angel.

I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh. It's not meant to be. It's just honest.

Project Heal Day 5

Day 5

Day 5's assignment is memorial. This is a picture of Abbie's urn. I think it is the most beautiful way we could memorialize her and still have her with us.

Project Heal Day 4

Day 4

Day 4's assignment is a most treasured item. My most treasured item is this necklace. The bottom heart is an urn. It contains some of Abbie's ashes. I think my necklace is very symbolic. My heart has a big hole in it, but my baby girl is whole again.

I got my necklace from Perfect Memorials.

Project Heal Day 3

Day 3

Day 3's assignment is a post-loss self portrait. This was taken November 11, 2011, at my best friend's wedding. I'm 22 weeks pregnant with Bodie, my rainbow baby. This is the first picture taken of me after I lost Abbie that I can find. I don't think any pictures of me were taken between losing Abbie and documenting my pregnancy with Bodie.

Project Heal Day 2

Day 2

Day 2's assignment a pre-loss self portrait. This is from January, 2007. A lifetime ago.

Project Heal Day 1

I'm going to kick things off with CarlyMarie's Project Heal.

Day 1

Day 1's assignment was a sunrise, but since I don't do sunrises, way too early, I decided to post a picture of the flowers my mother sent me on Wednesday, Abbie's birthday.

Remembering Abbie

Today is my sweet Abbie's second birthday. Abbie was born with a midgut volvulus. Here's another definition that may be informative: volvulus neonatorum. (Actually, volvulus neonatorum is a term I just learned today.) When she was born, her belly was severely distended. She had to have surgery when she was only a few hours old. We didn't know her condition was as bad as it was before she was born. We had been told, worst case scenario, she'd lose an ovary. The situation turned out to be much more dire than an ovarian cyst. Her condition was so sever that all of her intestines were removed. When she was 1 day old, we found out she would not survive. We had to let our baby go. We would not let her suffer; it would have been selfish of us. I miss her every minute of every day. The big dates are so hard, like her birthday, and her "angel day." Today has been a struggle. I can't make sense of why this happened to my baby. I've been reliving her short life over and over again in my head for the last few days. I love my sweet Abbie so much, and wish she were here with me.