Day 25 - #SayItOutLoud

I miss my baby girl!

I have come so far and grown so much since losing Abbie. I don't particularly like being told how strong I am, because I am not strong because I choose to be, I'm strong because I don't know how to be weak.

I will never apologize for anything that happened during Abbie's short life. I did what I had to do for her. If anyone thinks I handled it wrong, that is their problem, not mine.

Day 23 - Tattoos/Jewelry

Ironically, I, the very tattooed woman, have not yet gotten an Abbie tattoo. Largely for financial reasons, but also because I can't decide what would perfectly permanently represent her.

This is my dad's tattoo. I love it. The night before Abbie died, he was giving J, the nurse, and I a hard time about having tattoos. He made it through 20 years in the Navy without getting any tattoos, but he got a tattoo for my baby girl.

I took this picture last year for this project. The bottom heart is an urn which contains Abbie's ashes. Unfortunately, since then it has been stolen from me.

Day 22 - Words

I love this poem. I thought this image was very fitting, with the pink and brown.

Day 17 - Time

How long it's been since Abbie got her wings.

Day 16 - Seasons

Today officially marks me making it farther in this project this year than I made it last year.

Halloween makes me sad. My due date was October 24. I didn't buy this costume, because what if Abbie was late? I was due October 24, and knew if I bought her a Halloween costume, she wouldn't come until November 1st. Little did I know she'd have been here and gone by then. She would have made the cutest little pea.

Day 15 - Wave of Light

Day 14 - Family

This is our little family now, just Bodie and me.

Day 13 - Book

http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Real-Little-Astounding-Story/dp/0849946158/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_pap?ie=UTF8&qid=1381714138&sr=8-1&keywords=heaven+is+for+real

Day 12 - Article

http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/ten-points-i-wish-every-person-knew-about-the-death-of-a-child/

Day 11 - Triggers

Day 10 - Beliefs

I believe in Heaven.

I believe my sweet Abbie is in Jesus' arms.

I believe I will be with her again.

I believe she is perfect and whole.

I believe she is not suffering.

I believe we, the ones left behind, are the ones who suffer.

I believe that it is okay for me to be angry with God.

I believe He understands.

I believe He loves me anyway, the way a Father does.

Day 9 - Music

This one may seem a little silly. This song has a great bass line, and J played it A LOT while I was pregnant. He'd play it, Abbie would get to moving. I'll never hear this song again without thinking of her.

Day 8 - Color

Abbie will always be all things pink and brown to me.

Day 7 - You now

It has been 3 years since my loss. Most days are okay, but there is very obviously a piece of my heart missing. I have come a long way from the early days, when I'd only leave my house to go to the store or the doctor. I've seen the most growth in the last year. I'm socializing again, spending time with friends again, leaving the house again. I am currently wrestling with the knowledge that as a result of my breakup with Abbie's and Bodie's father I will probably not have any more children. My heart is lighter now than it was 3 years ago, but the heaviness is still there, as I know  it will always be. I am adjusting to carrying the load of my grief.

The new me worries a lot more than the old me did. I am constantly aware of the dangers Bodie faces, and want to protect him from all of them. I fear that I will somehow stunt his development because of the fears I now live with. My emotions are much more raw, at the surface, than they used to be. I am much quicker to tears, I am much more empathetic, more in tune with others' pain. I was very alone in the early days of my grief. I didn't have anyone to talk to who had been there. I try now to make myself available to new loss moms, I don't want them to feel the loneliness that I felt, and I want to help them to see that they will survive, they are not crazy, and what they're going through and feeling is normal for people who are going through what we've been through.

Day 6 - Ritual

It's not a daily ritual, but a yearly ritual. I get a cake for her birthday with a number candle for how old she'd be. I don't light the candle, because she's not here to blow it out.

Day 5 - Memory

This is the best memory I have of Abbie. This was taken between her being extubated and the first time she stopped breathing. That time was a glorious 2 hours, when we had the illusion of a normal healthy baby.

Day 4 - Legacy

Her legacy is her memory.

Day 3 - Myth

Day 2 - Identity

Her name is Abigail Marie, but she's always been Abbie to me.
Abigail means "my father is joy." It is from the Old Testament, "...and his wife's name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman" 1 Samuel 25:3. As an English name, Abigail first became common after the Protestant Reformation and was popular among the Puritans.
Marie means "of the sea" or "bitter." I prefer "of the sea."

I love the name Abbie because all the Abbie's I've seen depicted on television were strong, intelligent women.
She was named Abbie after Abbie on NCIS:

and Abbie from ER:

She was named Marie after my paternal grandmother. Her middle name is Marie:

She was born at 1:22pm on September 26, 2010 at OU's Children's Hospital. She weighed 5 pounds 11 ounces and was 18 inches long.

She was beautiful. She looked so much like me, and her little brother looks so much like her. She had her daddy's cleft chin. She had my family's eyes. She had my hands, my long skinny fingers.

God, I miss her so much. I would love to see who she would be now, at 3. Her brother is giving me a run for my money, I can only imagine she would too, and I'd love every second of it.

Day 1 - Sunrise

#captureyourgrief

Midwest City, Ok 8:10AM

Project Heal 2013

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

Last year, I only made it half way through, it was too hard. This year, my goal is to make it through the whole month, and for this to be a healing process. This is for Abbie.