It has been 3 years since my loss. Most days are okay, but there is very obviously a piece of my heart missing. I have come a long way from the early days, when I'd only leave my house to go to the store or the doctor. I've seen the most growth in the last year. I'm socializing again, spending time with friends again, leaving the house again. I am currently wrestling with the knowledge that as a result of my breakup with Abbie's and Bodie's father I will probably not have any more children. My heart is lighter now than it was 3 years ago, but the heaviness is still there, as I know it will always be. I am adjusting to carrying the load of my grief.
The new me worries a lot more than the old me did. I am constantly aware of the dangers Bodie faces, and want to protect him from all of them. I fear that I will somehow stunt his development because of the fears I now live with. My emotions are much more raw, at the surface, than they used to be. I am much quicker to tears, I am much more empathetic, more in tune with others' pain. I was very alone in the early days of my grief. I didn't have anyone to talk to who had been there. I try now to make myself available to new loss moms, I don't want them to feel the loneliness that I felt, and I want to help them to see that they will survive, they are not crazy, and what they're going through and feeling is normal for people who are going through what we've been through.
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